Battle of Monongahela

For today's post, I'm going to analyze a forgotten battle of a forgotten war. Which, to most Americans, means a battle from a war that wasn't World War Two. This one comes to us all the way back from the French-Indian War in 1755.

"Indian?! Excuse me?!"

Oops. Sorry. "French-Native American War". Any way, the battle in question from the previously mentioned war is the one and only Battle of Monongahela, in what is today Braddock, Pennsylvania, a few miles away from Pittsburgh.

Anyway, Monongahela marked one of the first major conflicts between France and Great Britain for control of colonial North America. I know, shocking! France and Great Britain fight? Never? Does France even have an army?

Well, 1755 was way different than 2013. Europe was an interesting landscape. Great Britain and France were the big boys, while Spain was waining in power and Germans were too busy yodeling and wearing leaderhosen and drinking large steins of beer to be a country.

"Ja! It's true!"

So anyway, like all good 18th century European rivals, the two lovebirds were willing to go to war at the drop of a hat. And the cause? Why, that would be land! What else? For those geographically challenged, France held the Great Lakes, while Great Britain held the east coast. Their borders met in what is today Pennsylvania, then known as Ohio Country (not to be confused with the state of Ohio). Anyway, the war actually started 1754 when Virginia believed France was moving in on its territory, building a fort in modern day Pittsburgh. They didn't like that. Not. One. Bit.

Um. Guys. Are you sure you actually want this?

"Yes!"

Um. Really?

"YES!!!"

Alright, so in the first and last example in history of someone actually wanting to go to Pittsburgh, the government in Virginia sent a band of troops, led by some obscure random guy named Washington, to get the French to leave. Long story short, the Virginians got routed, and Washington was sent back to Virginia in defeat where he lived out the rest of his life in obscurity. Oh wait, no he didn't. But that's another day.

Now, back to the matter at hand; let us fast forward one year to 1755. Great Britain was furious. They would not let France make them the laughing stock of the world. Only they could do that! So in 1755, they called in their all-star general Edward Braddock to force the French out of Ohio Country.

Edward Braddock......The most undeserving "all-star" till Alex Ovechkin

So Braddock took a large band of Virginia militia-men, with his aide, that Washington guy, into the Ohio Country to fight the French, and expel them from Fort Duquesne. Through the door or out the window! And they thought they would win. After all, they were fighting the French.

"Sacre bleu!"

One thing Braddock wasn't planning on was the presence of French allies, many fierce tribes of Indians.

No. Not those Indians.

These Indians.

With their Indian allies, the French were confident that they would halt the British advance before it got started. After fighting a series of very brief skirmishes, the two forces met in force on July 9th along the Monongahela River. In one corner, the British had about 1,300 soldiers. The French had less than 1,000, including their Indian allies. Despite their disadvantage, the French were actually able to win the battle.

"Whaaaaaaat?"

I know! The French actually won a battle! And here's how they did it:

1. The battle took place on Indian hunting grounds, allowing them to use all terrain to their advantage
2. Despite the fact the British were initially successful in turning the French back, even killing one of their officers, they were not ready for a full battle
3. The Indians used psychological warfare to scare the day lights out of the British, so they ran quickly
4. Braddock was a muppet

A Muppet

Under fierce French attack, the British held for a few hours, slowly pulling back away from their enemies, suffering many casualties along the way. Braddock, for his part, did almost nothing to try and win the battle. He tried "rallying" the troops, which in the 18th century, meant "men, form a shield in front of me! Protect me!" The militia did as they were told, but the battle was clearly lost, as the Indians knew the ground. Hundreds of British soldiers became casualties while Braddock failed to act. The battle was eventually ended when Braddock was shot and killed, prompting his men to leave. In the aftermath, that Washington guy learned from this battle, and eventually took that knowledge with him when he became the greatest man of his generation, leading the fledgling US to a victory over Britain in the Revolutionary War. The French maintained control of Ohio Country, putting Britain's grand plans for victory on hold. The city of Braddock, Pennsylvania had the unhappy distinction of bearing the name of the muppet.

And for the first and only time in history, Detroit didn't lead the country in firearm deaths.

"Hell Yeah! Thanks Pittsburgh!"

And so was the Battle of Monongahela. July 9th, 1755, 258 years ago today. A battle long forgotten......until now!