Napoleon Surrenders

The French. Today, many people see them as lame, pastry-eating losers. They are viewed as a people so apathetic, that they will never take up arms and fight. Unless, of course, the chef messes up their food.

 "Imbécile! My soup! It is cold!"

That pretty much covers the modern American view of the French. A country so lame that there is no way a normal human being can find any positive thing to say about them. Well, today, I'm going to try! Say what you will about present day France, but no one can deny them of their rich history filled with figures who at all times were ready for a little brawl. Their names live on to this day, not only in France, but in the world as a whole.

Marquis de Lafayette!

St. Joan of Arc!

Charles de Gaulle!

King Louis VII!

Cpl. Louis LeBeau!

Lumiere!

OK, so maybe not that last one. But the point is, France has had its fair share of great military minds. Soldiers who in good times, and in bad, fought for the glory and honor of France. But no list of French historical figures can be complete with out including one man. A man who was both larger than life and smaller (chuckle) than life at the exact same time. That man is none other than Napoleon Bonaparte.

Napoleon giving rise to the age old debate: What the heck is he grabbing in is jacket?

For those of you who may be unfamiliar with our new friend Napoleon, I will now give you a little background. on the world he came from

For centuries, France had been ruled by an absolute monarchy. That is to say, the monarchy ruled.......absolutely. The king, much like the good citizens of Gotham City in The Dark Knight Rises, could do as he pleased. There was no one there to stop him. Then 1789, a slight incident occurred. An incident known as the French Revolution. Spurred on by the revolution in America, the French people sought to rid themselves of the king once and for all, and replace the monarchy with a system of government run by the people. They were successful! The people took control of the country! And by people, we really mean one person. One crazy, bloodthirsty, S.O.B.

Maximilien de Robespierre: Nightmare fuel for Count Dracula

By 1793, Robespierre had executed King Louis XVI and his entire family, and had begun a purge of France. Any person remotely associated with the monarchy was put to the guillotine, and France became engulfed in what would later be known as the "Reign of Terror". The French people got a little relief the following year, in the sense that Robespierre was himself executed by his rivals for his hand in the bloodshed. Despite the fact that France had withstood the brutal storm of Robespierre, the clouds still hung overhead, taunting the little people below with an ever present danger. A fragile republic was formed, but the country's future looked bleak.

Essentially the state of the French Republic. Minus the leg lamp.

From this chaos arose a leader. A leader who would build France into the world's mightiest nation. That brings us back to Napoleon. He had been an officer in the French army. He had even partaken in the Revolution. And going into 1800, he was probably the only competent soldier in France. He had lead a few successful expeditions, notably into Egypt, in an attempt to build clout for France. With his military success, Napoleon began to build himself up in the eyes of the French people. He became more and more popular, and the government became more and more bankrupt. With in a few years, Napoleon was in prime position to take over France, and the people were calling for it. But he needed an excuse. That excuse came when his political opponents plotted to assassinate him. Claiming that he and he alone was looking out for the best interest of France, unlike his rivals who wanted the greatest Frenchman dead, Napoleon reestablished the monarchy, with himself in charge. He even forced the pope to crown him emperor. Like all good dictators, Napoleon used his new found powers for good. And by good, I mean invade all neighboring countries and start an international war which would claim countless lives (see WWII).

So yeah, that's Napoleon's background. By1804, he became dictator of France, and started the Napoleonic Wars. At first, the war went extremely well for Napoleon and his allies.

The Battle of Austerlitz: Proof that it doesn't take divine intervention for France to win a battle



Napoleon was able to dominate much of Europe early in the war. He seemed unstoppable, and it looked like there was no way any country could stand up to him. And then Napoleon failed "Being a Dictator 101". And it wasn't because his professor was a tough grader. He broke the cardinal rule of warfare in Europe, a mistake that would be made by another certain scumbag almost 150 years later. He invaded Russia without proper winter clothing. Expecting a quick victory, Napoleon went into Russia. Unfortunately for him, the campaign stalled, and his men were left poorly clothed and poorly equipped. After a brutal struggle, Napoleon was expelled from Russia. His empire would never be the same.

"I'm sure no one will ever make this mistake again!"

After his loss in Russia, Napoleon's enemies were emboldened to act against the emperor. A large coalition was formed with the expressed purpose of  defeating his army. Suffering from his loses in Russia, Napoleon was defeated and exiled to the island of Elba in the Mediterranean. For most historical figures, that would have been the end. But not Napoleon. He was put on the earth for the sole purpose of causing drama. And that's just what he did!

His enemies made the mistake of giving him sovereignty on the island. Able to rule his new country, he developed an army and navy, and within a year, he escaped Elba and returned to France to reclaim what he believed was his.

He's baaaaaaaaaack!

The French military almost instantly accepted his return as the return of the emperor. Upon arriving in Paris, he once again ruled over France. His return to the throne, however, was short lived. After hearing about Napoleon's return, his British and Prussian enemies sought to remove him from power. Never one to sit and wait for a battle, Napoleon amassed his army and lead them to meet the enemy. The two forces met near the town of Waterloo in Belgium.

Despite the fact his troops were outnumbered, Napoleon was sure he would find victory, and maybe rid himself of his foes once and for all. Confident, Napoleon engaged the British-Prussian soldiers on June 18, 1815. And as any good historian will tell you, Napoleon used his superior tactics and skill to win a huge victory for France.

Hail! To the victor valiant!

Oh. wait. That's totally not what happened. Napoleon made several blunders during the battle, which led to the destruction of his army. Of the 72,000 he brought into the battle with him, 51,000 were killed, wounded, or captured.

Waterloo. Bloody battle. Made Napoleon refer to Russia as the "good old days"

After returning to Paris, he found that the French legislature had turned against him. Around the same time, he got word that the Prussians had orders to take him dead or alive. Napoleon felt the world closing in. Panicked, he abdicated the throne to his son, and fled to the coast, where he had hopes of escaping to the United States. But when he got there, he found that the British navy had blocked every port. At this point, not even Houdini could escape. Napoleon was trapped, and he had no choice but to surrender.

And so on July 15, 1815, surrender he did. For his punishment, he was exiled to the island of St. Helena in South America, far away from France, and far away from where he could create more chaos. It was on St. Helena that he died on May 5, 1821, only a shell of his former self.

Back in France, as any musical fan will tell you, the country struggled in the post Napoleonic world. They continued to have class problems, and poverty ran high. To make matters worse, the government began appointing psychotic policemen who hunted people down for stealing loaves of bread.

"Do not forget my name! Do not forget me!"

So that's the quick story of Napoleon, whose downfall was completed 198 years ago today with his surrender aboard a British ship. He is one of history's most notorious figures, and he proves one thing; the French certainly CAN fight, if they feel like it.

P.S.: Throughout history, a lot has been made about how short Napoleon was. While he was 5'7", certainly what we could consider short today, for his time he was actually of average height.

P.P.S.: The Napoleon pastry actually is not named after him. It is named after the city of Naples in Italy.

P.P.P.S.: Napoleon never had Red Bull. Sorry to ruin that for you.